i know you are all probably sick of hearing about my star wars obsession, but the new movie is only days away now and i'm feeling the inner fanboy more strongly than ever. i've watched and re-watched all the movie trailers for episode 3 and later this week i'm going to embark on a star wars marathon of sorts- watching all the other star wars movies before striking out at midnight on wednesday to see the new film.

i know what everyone must be thinking - "jeremy, the last two movies were absolutely awful. how can you be excited about a new star wars movie?"

i've been thinking about this and the only thing i can come up with that even sounds remotely like an answer is this- i have been completely brainwashed and indoctrinated by george lucas and even aware of this i am incapable of doing anything about it. if george lucas starts selling wookie toothpaste, i'll buy it; if he puts out a crappy star wars television show, i'll watch it. this lack of free will stands in defiance of 2,000 years of christian theology, but alas, i have no free will.

in reference to my star wars marathon, i will be watching all the star wars movies with the exception of the wretchedly awful piece of flaming cow manure that was star wars episode 1: the phantom menace. i can at least sit through episode two, but episode one has so many bad memories associated with it i almost choke thinking about it.

i suppose my disappointment with episode 1 is about equal to all the hype that built up before its release. i remember tragically trying to download the episode 1 trailer at starwars.com for hours before one of my fellow nerds a couple cubicles down managed to get a copy. the entire geek staff (20 people) piled into his cube and listened to the familiar music. of course, being in a cube full of nerds is the perfect way to experience sci fi movie trailers. once it was finished, my friend phil pushed up his glasses, looked at us all and said, "guys, i say we reset our internal system clocks ahead 6 months and go see this movie." nerd laughter ensued.

it didn't get much easier after that. slowly but surely, little bits of episode 1 leaked all over the internet and thus were plastered all over the workplace. i contributed my part by posting a darth maul calendar behind the desk wall.

as for the day itself, i had it planned for months. first, i would not attend the midnight showing because i wanted all my mental facilities operating at their peak capacity. second, i told my then girlfriend that i would be seeing it alone; i wanted absolutely no distractions. third, i would not dress up as a character, but to show my support i would wear my favorite faded star wars t-shirt.

the day itself went largely as planned with one exception- the movie sucked. big time. about 5 minutes into the film i was completely bored. i kept thinking that i must be missing something and that really this must be good and i just don't get it. it's kind of like when i try to read "classic" literature. anyway, as soon as the credits rolled, some guy in the front row shouted, "well, at least it was better than that crapfest return of the jedi!"

i drove home in my father's gigantic brown pickup truck with my heart torn to pieces. until that moment, star wars was canon. it might as well have been some addendum to the bible because it most certainly was truth. it was quite possibly the first, biggest disappointment of my life. the inner child who desperately wanted to fly an x-wing fighter and save princesses instead enrolled in vocational school, got a part time job at hardy's, and then drove his jeep off a cliff when he found out his baby's mama was leaving him.

may 19, 1999 - the day i grew up.

when i got home, i noticed that my star wars t-shirt had a huge black stain covering the front of it. to this day i have no idea how my shirt got stained, but i took it as a sign and burnt it in the backyard in our burn barrel (mostly to mirror the scene in return of the jedi when luke constructs a funeral pyre for his father).

all that said, my thoughts on episode 2 were slightly more favorable. i had zero expectations and i was mildly amused by the film. yoda fighting was pretty cool. george lucas writing a love story is a bit like a computer writing about what it ate for dinner.

right now, i am praying that i can at least have one good hour of star wars before i die. please, just one hour. i mean, the first hour could be anakin and obi-wan eating breakfast and reading the wall street for all i care; just give me one good hour of convincing plot and character driven conflict (with lightsaber of course).

i am such a junkie. sigh.